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Girl who “totally failed exam” literally failed the exam

Friends, roommates, and casual eavesdroppers were surprised to learn that sophomore Michaela Michaels was not in the least bit exaggerating after she actually received a failing grade on a recent midterm in her theology course, Biblical Heritage

Following a week of obnoxious complaining, including incessant whines of ‘that test destroyed me,’ ‘I’m so withdrawing from that class,’ or simply ‘I totally failed,’ the exam was returned to Michaels with an encircled “F” and a “Please See Me” note underneath. Her shockingly accurate description of her sub-passing performance has been all the buzz around campus.

“I’ll admit that normally when I hear someone talking like this, they got a B-. Hell, maybe even a C+, but even that’s pushing it these days,” said Eagle’s Nest cashier Geraldino de la Cruz. “But lo and behold, she flat-out failed it. I mean, a 48? Like seriously, if the semester were to end today, Michaela wouldn’t even receive credit for taking the class.”

Most taken aback by the news was classmate Timmy Webster, who despite answering ‘Jesus of Nazareth’ for all multiple choice and most short-answer questions, still mustered a disappointing, albeit passing, 64%. “Dude, she got more questions wrong than she got right. It’s sad, but still kind of hilarious.”

Michaels could not be reached for comment, nor is it anticipated that she will be available at any point in the foreseeable future, as both Facebook and Twitter sources have confirmed that the sophomore will be “in O’Neill for the rest of [her] life.”

Student from Greenwich, CT to study abroad in Dorchester

            This week, the Office of International Programs will announce its newest region available for students interested in studying abroad. The university will be partnering with Jeremiah E. Burke High School in Dorchester, MA to enroll one student in the initial semester of the program.

            Sophomore Fangs Sycamore, Esq. made the new opportunity possible by petitioning BC to recognize the prospective program. Born and raised in Greenwich, CT, Sycamore argued that no current BC program could possibly be as unique and eye-opening as the nearby suburb. “I’ve been to Europe dozens of times,“ said Sycamore, his jaw firmly locked. “It’s been so passé ever since they abolished serfdom.”

            Both the student and the institution are excited for the potential of the program. University officials expect it to quickly become one of the most popular destinations amongst students, possibly surpassing mighty Australia. Audrey Shale of OIP commented on the similarity of the programs, “Both Australia and Dorchester have language barriers that can be difficult to overcome at first, but once you do, there’s a completely unique land to explore.”

            Sycamore plans to continue his business studies while abroad but will also pursue some local courses including remedial algebra. “I just can’t wait to learn about my manservant’s ancestral homeland,” Mr. Sycamore exclaimed jubilantly.

Charity walk of shame draws big support

            The first annual Walk of Shame for STD Control took place last Saturday as much of the student body gathered to cheer on participants. Organizers hope that the impressive showing at the event will lead to increased awareness of a growing campus issue.

            “When we saw all the girls walking down Comm Ave every Sunday morning, heels in hand, we saw an unorganized pack of stray puppies, just looking for a home,” said Aaron Kettlehorn, who put the event together with his roommate. “They looked like they could be easily manipulated.”

            Students came together in a heartwarming show of support for the walkers, with some passing out water bottles and pregnancy tests along the sidewalk, and some joining their friends on the course. All proceeds from concessions and merchandise sales will be donated to purchasing better walking shoes for campus sluts.

            Participants asked friends and relatives to support them with pledges as they burned off extra calories after a night of burning off extra calories. The money will be used to fund gonorrhea research on campus.

            “We can’t wait to find out what gonorrhea is,” said an anonymous Jesuit. “What does the term mean? I have absolutely no idea what’s going on down there.”

            Families of the walkers were thrilled by the show of charity.

            “I was just delighted to hear that she’s turned her harlotry into such a good cause,” said Edna Stevenson, whose granddaughter took part in the walk. “Back in my day, when people watched you after a tryst with a lover, they were watching you burn at the stake.”

            The university has declared its official support for the future of the walk, stating that “every student needs a good shaming now and then.”

            “That was so refreshing,” said a noticeably exhausted walker shortly after finishing the course. “It’s the most exercise I’ve gotten in about six hours.”

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